Most of us have had friends in need, either due to illness or a crisis. The question we always ask is, “How can I help?” Before I experienced the flack and fallout of chronic illness and pain, I asked that question many times—and often did try to “help” in the wrong way.
Only when we have personally lived through something do we begin to see with sensitive eyes and listen with understanding ears to others who are going through a tough time. Until we have walked in someone else’s shoes, we can only guess and bumble along. Here are some things I’ve learned about helping others, from recent health-challenged months and years:
1) Don’t drop in for unsolicited visits, but rather always ask before coming. This applies to hospital visits as well as calling at home. When we are very ill, or recovering from surgery, every breath and every sentence is a supreme effort. There are some people we will want to see—and some whom we will want to avoid until we feel more energetic. It pays to have a family member on hand, to monitor our visitors.
2) Don’t telephone for the first days after an emergency or onset of crisis. Like personal visits, a telephone call is exhausting when we are compromised physically or emotionally. Talking is not helpful at those times, for most of us. Again, a solicitous family member or a telephone answering machine is of crucial importance in the beginning of a siege.
Of course family members are urged to call at any time. Later on a call from a kindred spirited friend, one who shares our interests and our zest for living, is welcome.
3) Personal visits and phone calls, when they are warranted, should always be upbeat. No quivery/quavery voices. Gentle, understanding humor is appreciated more than tears. We can say, “I love you, I pray for you, and I am here for you” without sounding like the chorus in a Greek Tragedy!
4) Never comment on a sick friend’s appearance. This is a rule we should emblazon on our brains. To say, “But you don’t look sick” is normally misconstrued by the sick person as a denial of the fact that he or she is indeed very ill! And, “You look great” is often a bold faced lie. Naturally we are not going to say, “You look awful!” So it’s best to never comment on appearance!
5) Do write short, encouraging notes. Real mail is always a treat, so long as it’s upbeat. Obviously we should not write to a sick or otherwise suffering friend about our own issues and problems. It’s best to write about gardens, hobbies, and other fun stuff.
I always like to know that friends are praying for me when I am going through something. A Bible verse inserted in a letter is welcome, too—so long as it’s comforting and not preachy! We must beware of being like Job’s “friends”.
6) Don’t bring food, unless specifically requested to do so. Always ask before bringing the soup or whatever! Unless the sick person has a huge family, food offerings are just too much. Every sick individual knows what he or she should eat, and no one outside the home can determine that. We live in a “When in doubt, bring food” culture. We’d be far better off with far less food!
When I’m recovering from surgery, or very ill or in excessive pain, food is the last thing I want—and I know just what to consume for my own good: fruit juices, light soups, lamb loin chops, roast pork or beef, well cooked veggies, and white or part whole wheat dinner rolls. The trendy food gifts of casseroles loaded with potatoes or pasta, chicken and black bean soup, raw veggie salads, and coarse grained stone-heavy breads would absolutely destroy me!
But some ice cream or sherbet would probably be appreciated. 🙂
7) Know your friend’s interests. If he or she loves house plants, send a plant. (I love plants! You can send them to me.) If the sick person considers house plants to be a burden, don’t send a plant. I love flowers, and welcome them any time. Others may not care for them, or may be allergic to flowers. Check that out before calling the florist.
If your friend enjoys the kinds of books you like, a book is a wonderful offering—either as a gift or a loan. But don’t decide that someone “should” read a certain book for their own good. That’s presumptuous. Sick people have no energy for presumptions, or presumptuous “friends”!
8) If your friend is in for a long spell of illness or pain, offer to get him or her out of the house for a short break. You cannot imagine how theraputic it can be just to go to a coffee shop for an hour, or have tea at someone else”s home, until you have been under siege of illness or adversity.
Browsing in a library, antique shop, or hobby store can be wonderful as well. Recently there were weeks when I could not drive myself anywhere. When a family member or friend offered to pick me up and take me out for a break, I thought I’d gone to Heaven!
9) Don’t say, “I’ll do anything to help” unless you really want to help. If you really want to help, follow up that statement with offers of various ways you could help. You can write a note saying, “Would you like me to come and help you clean your home?” or “Can I take you out for lunch?”
Those who say, “I’ll do anything to help,” yet never follow up with specific suggestions, can only be discounted as simply not being serious about helping. I know I’ve been guilty of saying that and not following up—back in my “clueless and healthy” past!
There is nothing wrong with not helping. But we need to be sincere and only offer help if we intend to deliver!
10) Do not offer treatment suggestions. This is a horrendous “no-no”, of which the alternative medicine folks are especially guilty. I have patiently listened to suggestions ad nauseum, just because my mother taught me to “be polite”. But I can no longer be polite! I will be rudely adamant (and adamantly rude!) to anyone who tries to back me into an alternative corner!
I’ve been mis-advised to rub oregano oil on my back to “cure” herniated discs (or let a chiropractor do his thing—a suggestion which made my physical therapist shudder down to her shoes!)—and I’ve been mis-instructed to eat lots of raw veggies and whole grain bread for my GI track issues which actually cannot tolerate much roughage.
A few years ago, I was so indoctrinated by the “nature-paths” (my own fault to let it happen!) that I refused a steriod inhaler for my asthma. Finally the asthma was diagnosed as turning into emphysema (even though I’d quit smoking in 1963). I had scary broncho-spasms, was sick all the time, and could easily have checked out—when finally a medical doctor talked sense into me and I began inhaling a steroid.
This same doctor showed me that the multi “nutrients” and “supplements” I was consuming were making me even sicker, and were indeed dangerous to my health, whereas the lab-tested prescribed meds are safe! I lived through that crisis, and have happily been a traditional medicine person ever since!
Now, 6 years later, I only need the inhaler occasionally—when I’m having a sinus and bronchitis flare. Respiratory issues are no longer a serious threat for me, thanks to medication when needed.
11) Don’t roll your eyes or get preachy upon discovering that your friend takes a doctor’s prescribed dosage of pain medication. This is a typical reaction from people who have never lived with chronic pain. Anyone who has, knows better! A prescibed dosage can mean that we comfortably do our laundry, clean our homes, get dinner on the table, and enjoy a social time with family members or friends. To avoid valid and much-needed pain relief is stupid.
That’s all I can think of at the moment. I hope these pointers will help those who “want to help”!
Margaret L. Been, ©2011
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Living Abundantly with Illness and Chronic Pain 